Lonely

At one point in time I was excited to move closer to some good friends......now I don't know why I am here in Utah...I am closer to good friends...but not close enough to do anything, which makes it harder to be here....When I was far away at least I knew why we couldn't hang. And I do know why we can't hang being close, but it makes me feel like moving here was pointless......

I did have a different plan when I first got here. I was going to go to school, and find a husband and who knows.......Well I found a husband, but that was right before I moved to Utah. And he happened to move with me because he loved me. But now I find myself in this huge vat of loneliness.

I have friends here that I have made through church and work.....but I keep them from being real friends that hang and such probably because I am scared. All my life I have made good friends and then moved or they moved and such. I have lots of friends on my list on facebook, and I know them all, and lots of them were good friends...and still are, but they are far away. Either I moved or they moved.

I suppose the one thing I life I never truly liked was to be lonely. Ask anyone from my past and they will tell you that I was always with friends.....There wasn't much time that I would take to myself, I never liked being alone. Even if I were just in a room not even talking to a friend, it was better than being by myself.

Now I have a best friend....bestester than all my other best friends in the past. My husband. I love him so much, I don't think he understands or grasps how much I love him. All I seek is his happiness ( and a little bit of happiness for me).

We have not moved back to Canada because I don't want to. And he has been such a trooper for sticking it out not being able to work. I don't know how he has done it, but I know that he is probably the strongest person I know on this earth.

So here we are stuck in Utah, until we can get out. Probably one of the most uncomfortable feelings ever. Knowing you are so close to being where you want to be, and yet so far away. I am ready to start our life, to get settled and buy our property and build our own house in Florida. And all I can do is wait. We are so far away, even though our goal is within this year. The only thing we can do here in Utah is save money....work and save money....

I tend to make goals often....and I tend to stick with them for the most part. There is usually something I can do to make it seem like I am closer and closer to that goal...I have never been so far away. There is nothing I can do....I feel useless at times.

Last night before the New Year I took a drive, I drove to Idaho. I wanted to get away from Utah. I wanted out of this place. Though I wasn't in Idaho long, I realized in my journey what I wanted. I want to be settled......I want to have friends and family close by. My whole life I have never been settled.

I was born in Mississippi, we moved to GA shortly thereafter. My mom moved with us to FL after separating from dad when I was 3. Then we weren't there long until we moved back to GA. We lived in a couple different places in GA, moving about 4 times or so while I was there. Then when I was 14 mom moved with us to NC, we moved to 2 places in NC while I was there for 2 years. Then I moved back to GA at 16, and from there I was in 6 different houses, with 6 different families. Then on my mission, moving into 5 different areas. When home I lived briefly with my dad and then into another friends house for a couple months till I moved to Utah in Jan of last year. I have lived in 2 places since being here in Utah. And I am just waiting till we move to FL. In Florida we will move into our Motorhome (not to mention living in it for a month or so here in Utah after our lease is up in April). After we get enough money we will either move into an apartment, or buy some property and stay in our Motorhome on our property until our house is built, which is bound to take a few years. So even now I know that we have many years until we are settled. And that is what I long for. I have moved enough times in my life to say that I could have been in a different place every year of my life. I am ready to settle down and be with my own family.

In the meantime, I am lonely here in Utah.......and I don't think I'm the only lonely one....